Hermione's Dating ABCs
by BlubberNitwitOddmentTweak
Summary: A series of one-shots about Hermione's romantic life- alphabetically!
1. Intro

**Hello. This is TheBigCat at the keyboard, while Nargles123 is breathing into my ear. I - um- we are writing a series of 26 oneshots about Hermione's various relationships.**

_That was the breif and very big words Bigcat, this is the randomer vocabulary (suprised i could spell that) Nargles. Basically we are using and alphabetical version of who she dates eg A is for..._

**Hope you like this!  
>:-) We'll take turns with writing!<strong>

_Warning! These are random and often funny pariings!_


	2. A

A- Argus Filch

She couldn't keep her mind off him.

Yes, you read the beginning. Hermione Granger was thinking of Argus Filch. She was completely besotted by him*. His rule stickling nature, his organization, his creative punishments. She had approached him under many a circumstance, but she always changed the subject away. A Squib and a Muggleborn would not work as a pair. And Harry and Ron would never forgive her if she somehow gathered up her courage.

Hermione sighed, and quietly left the library. She headed to the common room, still lost in thought.  
>Why? she asked herself. Why do I have to find myself in love with this man?<br>In the hallways, she rounded the corner- and bumped directly into the man of her dreams. She knew that this was her last chance. She would be graduating in a week.

"Yes?" asked the man gruffly.

Hermione gathered up that Gryffindor courage, and kissed him directly on the lips. He tasted like curry, coffee and cream. A surprisingly good mixture. His eyes widened briefly, and he eagerly returned the gesture.

It was the beginning of both their lives. Harry accepted it, Ron fainted, and George Weasley lost a bet.

_(*- I always wanted to use 'besotted' -Nargles123_)


	3. B

Hi! this is written by Nargles only! To our reviewer, I am not the best at spelling but George had bet that Filch would not get with Hermione. ENJOY!

P.S. deep in the forbidden forrest there is a tree bigger than 1 1/2 grawps. When the last leaf falls of that tree, i still wont own Harry Potter...

B is for Bill Weasley!

Hermione stared at the wall in disbelief. Bill had been right. Ron never truly loved her, this was relieving and depressing. The evidence was a note. All she had left of him.

_**MIONE**_

_**By the time you read this i will be gone. I'm leaving the country with my TRUE love, Lav-lav.**_

_**You could never live up to her, your a prude, a dull bookworm. I know you'll understand, we were best friends. **_

_**Even if I only kept you around to look kind, thanks for doing my homework all those times. Mum would've gotten**_

_**angry if i didn't pass. I never loved you, it was just to keep an appearance. Also, could you not tell anyone about this note? That would be great. Incase my **_

_**plan fails and I have to come back, tell them I'm on a business trip. Could you put in a good word for me at the ministry? Since you were my bestfriend and you love me.**_

_**RON **_

Hermione was now angry. reaaaaallllllly angry. He acted as if he was in the position to ask favors! Hermione duplicated the note and sent it to Bill. They had become close after Fleur left him for some other veela. She sent the original to Molly and smiled. everything would work out. Ron was out of the way and Bill was single. Finally she could admit her feelings towards him! She flooed to bill's to confess and celebrate marking the beginning of many happy years to come.

LAPSE 9 years

Ron trudged up the path to the burrow. It was a beautiful day but Lavender had kicked him out after finding Hermione's engagement ring and figuring out that Ron had left her. Lavender was appalled by Ron who had said he was single at the time. He expected Hermione to come rushing into his arms after explaining about the business exchange he had to do.

"Mum? Dad? I'm back!" Ron called from the door.

Molly opened the door with a smirk. she crossed her arms. Lavender had owled her about leaving Ron and apologizing for not knowing earlier. She decided to let the shock of things and the twins to whom she had sent both notes be his punishment. (The entire family had been informed about the first letter as soon as hermione sent it to her).

"Hello Ronald, decided to drop in did you? Long time no see." she said icily.

"Hi mum! Did Mione tell you about my exchange business in America? It was great! I missed you all but I wasn't given an owl." Ron saw nervously. "Where is she, I want to surprise her."

"Celebrating a birthday at shell cottage! My grandchildren just turned 3! I'm waiting for Arthur but I'll be right back!" Molly smiled, mentally high-fiving herself.

"Ok! I guess I'll go then!" Ron said and flooed to shell cottage.

Twins Tyler and Charlotte were playing with uncles Fred and George. Apparently a mean person trying to steal mummy away was about to floo in and they were going to prank him. Then they were going to get daddy bill and uncle harry and they would give him a big kid talk without them. Needless to say, Ron ran away with three red hand marks across his face (courtesy of Hermione once he saw her pregnant and holding Bill's hand and called him a wife stealing old perv) a broken rib from harry after he said harry was his best mate and would back him, his nose vomiting salmons from George, cockroaches coming out his ears from Fred and a broken rib by Bill. As he ran Molly vanished his pants, coloured his boxers pink and magicked his shirt to say "#1 PRICK!". Hermione had to say, she truly was touched by her new family, for they were strong and caring, they would never leave those loved them, and she wouldn't leave as long as she was loved.


	4. C

**Written by TheBigCat**

Cedric was in the library.

Not a place he would usually be, but then again he was technically stalking someone.

Only technically, though.

Trying to work up the courage to date someone wasn't stalking...

...right?

_Although, _he thought. _It really doesn't matter at this point. As long as I can ask her to the Yule Ball..._

Can I just say, the Powers-that-Be are not very happy with Cedric. Because at that exact moment, Viktor Krum, Bulgarian Seeker, Quidditch superstar, blah blah blah, forget the introductions already, walked up to Hermione.

Cedric's eyes widened.

"Her-mo-ninny," he started, and that was as far as he got before Cedric walked up and butted in.

"Excuse me, Hermione, can I just talk to you for a second?" he asked, rather subtly he thought.

Hermione appeared to be flustered. "Oh, of course, Cedric." She waved her hand vaugely. "Um, Mr. Krum? I'll be just- over here..."

Cedric pulled Hermione towards a small secluded corner of the library- _History of the Merlin Wars_- and took a deep steadying breath.

"Hermione..."

"Yes?" she asked.

"...would..."

"Yes," she said.

"..you..."

"YEEESSS?" the whole universe shouted.

"liketogoballwithme?"

"What?"

"I said," his cheeks burned, he remembered this happening to Harry yesterday. "Would you like to go to the Yule Ball with me?"

"Oh, yes!" she said, her face flushing with delight.

"..well, okay then," he said, smiling. "That's good."

And she left, walking towards Krum.

* * *

><p>Cedric was walking on air, as he continued towards his dorm. He knocked on the statue and entered. He had never asked Cho to go to the Ball in the first place.<br>He briefly wondered why she had lied, and then dismissed the thought. He had a dance to look forward to!

He fell asleep dreaming of a bushy-haired angel.

* * *

><p>It was the Yule Ball, and Cedric was incredibly nervous. He fidgeted with his lapel and clutched his gift for Hermione behind his back, looking around wildly for his date.<p>

"Come on, come on..." he muttered, checking his watch. The dance was set to start in 5 minutes.

"Excuse me?" he turned around to see an unfamiliar girl staring at him. Her hair was beautifully glossy and swept up, and her dress was the most beautiful shade of blue.

"Are you ready to dance?" she asked. Cedric stared.

"Excuse me, who are you?" he asked.

The girl giggled, and Cedric saw those familliar teeth.

"HERMIONE?"

"Yup!"

"Wow," he stammered. "You- you look-"

She silenced him with a kiss to the lips.

"Wow."

She winked. "Let's dance."

* * *

><p><strong>(AN: Okay, it's finally done. Sorry if it's short, but I didn't have much time, and Nargles was gonna kill me if I didn't get it done soon.**

**On a seperate note, these are all disconnected oneshots. So whatever happens in one doesn't affect the others.**

**Nargles is working on 'True Colors' with a Rebel!Hermione.**

**And we're debating who 'D' should be. We will _NOT _do a Dramione, though.**

**Until next time,**

**~TheBigCat)**


	5. D

**HI it's Nargles here! Sorry about late updates... Here is D!**

**D is for Dean Thomas.**

She was perfect... to draw! she was beautiful...to some! She understood what it's like to be confused about the wizarding world. She understands DEAN! CONCENTRATE ON YOUR HOMEWORK! Dean looked down at the parchment in-front of him in the common room. He had drawn Hermione...AGAIN! he sighed. He knew he should throw it into the blazing fire in-front of him but, he couldn't. She was such a great ... FRIEND! such a great friend. Yep Dean Thomas was in denial.

* * *

><p>"DEAN!" Seamus shouted. "WAKE UP"<p>

"I'll wake up when you wear your leprechaun suit and do a jig in-front of Snape while shouting "SOME BODY STOLE ME LUCKY CHARMS!""

"Haha" Seamus said, his voice dripped with sarcasm. "Fine! I'll let you stay hear all night sleeping on your homewo... THIS IS NOT HOMEWORK! YOU DREW HERMIONE! HA-HA! Dean loves Hermione!" He shouted gleefully.

Dean shot up with a glare and saw the entire common room staring at him. crap. He then noticed Hermione was there. Now he couldn't bribe them not to tell. He scowled at Seamus who was looking guiltily around to avoid eye-contact. He had not realized how loud he had been. Dean grabbed his stuff and walked up to his dorm.

* * *

><p>In the great hall at lunch, Dean was sitting by himself. Seamus had detention for blowing up Snape's desk and the others kept either teasing him or, in Ron's case, glaring at him while grumbling about Hermione being his. Dean snorted at that, they weren't dating, Hermione was single and belonged to noone.<p>

someone sitting across from him captured his attention. Oh God. Hermione. She had just sat opposite him and he was officially, royally, doomed.

She leaned over shyly and whispered "Draw me like those girls in your book, Dean" She winked and walked out of the great hall with HIS drawing book in her hand. HE chuckled about the reference to the muggle movie, Titanic, before looking down to his plate. In the middle was some parchment and on it said,

_DEAN-_

_Meet me at the lake at 6:00_

_H 3_

Dean grinned. Maybe his picture fetish wasn't that bad.


	6. E

Hermione sighed, as yet another bunch of flowers arrived. "Thanks, Errol," she said, petting the bedraggled owl, who preened. He flew away from the Gryffindor table.

_From your secret admirer, _was written in slightly shaky script. Hermione smiled and inhaled deeply. The scent of the roses was intoxicating yet strangely addicting.

_Ah, I'm going to have to thank Ron for this, _she thought, for who else could it be? Errol only delivered for the Weasly family, and Ron was the only one who bothered to use him.

The very next day, she received another bouquet of flowers. Except this time, when she took them, a dead rat fell out.

She blinked, and then her gaze hardened.

* * *

><p>"IS THIS SOME SORT OF JOKE?" Hermione stormed into the Gryffindor common room, her trained eyes immediately picking out one Ron Weasly from the usual crowd of excited first years and retiring upper years. Ron looked confused, but that could just be a tactic to escape her punishment. She grabbed him firmly by the upper arm and dragged him into a broom cupboard, thereby reinforcing the rumour that they were secretly dating.<p>

"Why the *expletive deleted* did you send me a bunch of roses with a DEAD RAT in them?" she stormed.

"What...? I didn't do that! It sounds like something Fred and George would do!"

Hermione cast a truth detection spell on him, and it appeared that he wasn't lying.

"Hmmm..." she mused.

* * *

><p>"Ick!" yelled Ginny. "Who would do that?"<p>

* * *

><p>"No, not us," replied Fred.<p>

"But it does sound like a good prank!" added George.

* * *

><p><em>Sorry, Hermione. I haven't used Errol for the last 5 weeks. The dragons tend to start attacking postal owls, so that's why I'm using this thunderbird.<em>

* * *

><p>Hermione immediately dismissed Percy from the list. He was too rule-abiding for that.<p>

* * *

><p>"Nope," chuckled Bill over the Floo.<p>

* * *

><p>"Okay, so who sent that?" Hermione groaned, flopping onto the bed. She flipped over, to see Errol at the window. "Oh, what now?" She got up, and checked the short letter affixed to his leg.<p>

It was simple.

_SoRRy._

Hermione looked up at the owl, who practically had love hearts in his eyes, and hugged him.

* * *

><p><strong>(AN- Okay, sorry so late. Thanks to Nargles for the plot bunny that inspired this.**

**I'm currently working on publishing an original short novel, so I might not update for a while. I know Nargles has something inspired planned for F... wait and see!  
>~TheBigCat)<strong>


	7. F

**HI GUYS! It's NARGLES123 here and apologising for the wait! I am a procrastinator at heart so I will blame the fact I have been captured by mutant alien piranha pirates. I'm also apologizing for our pairings become slightly normal. (Something no one has ever called me). I know my spelling is atrocious, but TheBigCat is spell-checking it. NOW.  
><strong>

**DISCLAIMER: add 47 to 96. Multiply it by 8. Subtract 3. Have you done it? Congratulations. (idon'townHarryPotterijustspendalldaythinkingaboutit) (P.S. isuckatmath)**

Hermione was horrified about what she had become. So desperate for his attention, she had asked Ginny for help. This was not her. It just simply couldn't be.

"Ginerva, Molly, Weasley. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" She shouted. "I LOOK LIKE A SCARLETT WOMAN!"

Ginny shrugged. Hermione had asked her to go all out and Ginny was a woman of her word. Plus she wanted to see Hermione in the most unHermioneish clothes there were. Okay the skirt would fit a twelve year old girl, her lipstick was a really loud colour red and there was no way she wouldn't get attention with the tight top she was wearing.

"I will hex you into oblivion if you think that for one SINGLE MINUTE I will go out to class wearing that." Hermione shrieked at Ginny.

"Fine I was only joking anyway." Ginny huffed. With a flick of her wand, Hermione looked just like before and Ginny started from scratch.

~TIME LAPSE~

Once Hermione deemed her outfit appropriate, she left for charms. She wanted to be early because, he was usually there early. She love having intellectual one on ones with him. Deep down she knew he would get in trouble if they dated but, perhaps he harbored feelings for her too. He always scored her highest. Yes Hermione was in love with a teacher. Not just any teacher, professor Filius Flitwick.

As if it were slow motion, the door slowly opened to reveal the very man of her dreams. Hermione gasped and they looked adoringly into each others eyes. BUT suddenly they were interrupted from their boring normalish romantic fanfiction scene when a hyper-active fanboy (because it starts with F and we have writers block) gushed over to them screaming

"HERMIONE! I LOVE YOU MORE!"

_(Okay. I'm interrupting to say that my writing partner is breaking every law in fanfiction ever invented. TheBigCat.)_

Hermione blinked her eyes as a random cute fanboy ran up to her and into her arms. This was the beginning to a budding relationship and everyone forgot about Flitwick. Even Flitwick himself found them so cute he forgot about himself and left to become one of the Seven Dwarfs.  
>Everybody lived happily ever after with many children except the seven dwarfs because they don't have children and Flitwick became Grumpy one and we're going to end this extremely long sentence before we pass out but this sentence won't end for some reason and it just keeps going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on an...<p> 


	8. G

**To make up for the latest update in history I have decided to update again today. (This is Nargles BTW) (_And me._) (Who the hell are you?) (_I'm TheBigCat,_ _your writing partner._) (Oh.) (_Carry on._) (Okay.)  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: I would say I do not own Harry Potter but then I would be telling the truth... sorry.**

In the great hall, Hermione felt more lonely than ever before. Yes, she was with all her friends and yes they care for her. But, he was not there. He had never been there. Now, he would never know how she felt. She could see past his act of the emotionless clone. She could see that Grawp was a real person (not) with real feelings. That these feelings were oppressed by the fact that he was, well, Grawp, Hagrid's HALF-BROTHER!. The clueless giant. Hermione sighed and left for the lake.

Suddenly nothing happened.

Time stood still at the crosswalk as she looked up and saw his balding head poking through the treetops. Her face lit up as if struck by a ray of the purest moonlight, and she leapt to her feet in slow motion. In slow motion, she began to run towards the Forbidden Forest in slow motion. Her smile shone, bright as a summer's day -in slow motion - as she came to a halt beneath Grawp's stubbly feet in slow motion. She Stared in admiration up at his larger than life and innocent eyes. It felt like the most romantic moment -in slow motion- as Grawp showed off his skills. His skills, just happened to be juggling boulders.

"Grawp!" she shouted trying to catch his attention.

"Hermy" he jumped in surprise, in slow motion. A little known fact is that one should never tickle a sleeping dragon. Another thing you must not do is startle a giant while he juggles boulders- in slow motion. After losing concentration, One of the boulders dropped to the earth. As it descended -did we mention in slow motion- Hermione opened her mouth in slow motion and let out a long, piercing, slow motion-ated scream.

And she got crushed and died and Grawp was heartbroken.

Seriously.

All right, all right. That didn't happen. HERE is the real ending.

TO BE CONTINUED-

...

...

...

...NOW.

as she screamed, Grawp used his magical reflexes and scooped it up just in time. he then deposited the rocks and placed Hermione's petite figure in his palm. (In slow motion)

"Never Hurt Hermy" Grawp grunted with his limited vocabulary.

"My hero" sighed Hermione as she attempted to kiss in slow motion but it got awkward quickly because Hermione is about tiny compared to Grawp. So she slowly hugged his thumb and they were content with that. And it was happy,

HAPPY,

HAPPY,

HAPPY,

_oooh, I must be crazy what I'm 'bout to say,_

HAPPY,

HAPPY,

_Birthday to you, Happy, Birthday to you._

_HAPPY ENDING! YAY!_


	9. H

_**Hello everybody!**_

_**We are terrible people we know, but here is chapter H! WARNING! This is a femslash, don't like don't read. :)**_

_**DISCLAIMER: Roses are red, Violets AREN'T blue (seriously), we no own, you no sue!**_

* * *

><p>H is for<p>

Helga Hufflepuff (A.K.A wibbley wobbley timey wimey chapter)

* * *

><p>"<em>expletive deleted<em>" yelled Hermione in severe anger. She couldn't believe that Fred had enchanted the meatballs that he had very gallantly offered to her earlier. She looked around the familiar-looking classroom, noting that it didn't actually look that familiar. She was still definitely at Hogwarts, though.

She stormed to the door and threw it open. "Fred Weasley!" she shouted, expecting to see him outside of the door. Instead, her gaze alighted on a startled young woman just outside of the door, looking at her with wide eyes.

"Excuse me," said the woman politely. "But Hogwarts isn't open yet. Would you like some help?"

Hermione looked around, and realized that everything looked old-fashioned. _Caveman,_ old fashioned.

"I've travelled back in time," she realized. "Excuse me," she directed at the girl. "What's the date?"

"October the twenty-third," the girl replied.

"I MEANT THE YEAR."

The girl look a little hurt and snapped back "989, listen if you're going to be rude, salazar and Godric are just around the corner and I am certain that they will escort you out."

"What."

"Yes?"

"You're Hufflepuff."

"Yes, that is my name."

"Helga Hufflepuff."

"...yes?"

"_The _Helga Hufflepuff."

"..."

"Can...CanIpleasemeetmissravenclawiamherbiggestfanican'tbelieveigettotalktohershecanhelpmegetbackandwithmyhomeworkMerlinandArthurstrousers!"

"...what the hell is a Raveclane?"

"You know, Ravenclaw, one of the founders of hogwarts?"

"Hogwarts has three founders dear, now I will have to make you leave until the opening."

"Wait! I have no where to go! Please... I'm sorry."

Her eyes softened. "Fine, you can sleep in my room. But don't make a mess!"

She started walking down the hall and beckoned Hermione to follow. Only then did Hermione realise that she felt more at home here than in her year. She noticed how beautiful Helga's hair was when it bounced. She shook her head and followed Hufflepuff.

"Who's that?" asked Godric Gryffindor, who they passed in the hallway. He was holding hands with Salazar Slytherin in a _very _platonic way. Yeah.

(winkwinknudgenudge)

"Oh! I just realised i never asked for your name!" Said Helga with a small blush on her face that Hermione decided was adorable.

"Her-" Hermione paused and decided she was going to make history. "Rowena, Rowena Ravenclaw." They smiled.

"Well Rowena Ravenclaw, Welcome to Hogwarts." Said Salazar as he and Godric smirked. Helga slipped her hand into Hermione's and whispered

"I hope you enjoy your stay". She winked.


End file.
